four

Dearest Harper-
One of the happiest days of my life was when I became the mother of a little girl.
You.

harper, 1 day old

My pregnancy with you came as a huge surprise.  Dawson was just 3 months old and your daddy and I had planned to wait several years before we added you to the mix. 
You had a different agenda.

I was at Uncle Jakes birthday party when I began to feel light headed and short of breath.  Immediately afterwards I passed out and was taken to the hospital.  Daddy sat next to me while the doctors ran tests to determine what had caused the episode. 
I was sure I had just overdone it.

I still remember the young ER Dr. coming in.  His name was Dr. Yorgason.  He had a pleasant look on his face and said to us,
'So the nurse told you you're pregnant?'
I looked at Daddy and his face went white. 
I was shocked.
Scared.
Baffled.

The next 4 months we discussed what you might be...we were convinced you were a boy. 
The day of your ultrasound arrived and I was SO nervous as I laid on that table. 
I was hoping for a girl.
Daddy wanted a girl too.
When the woman said you were a girl, I almost cried. 
I asked her to double check.
We were elated.

The time you spent in my tummy was stressful.  I was working long days, full time.  I wasn't sleeping well.  And you were sitting so low that you fractured a bone in my hip.  I think I ate to compensate for the stress... that's why I ended up looking like a beached whale:

holy huge

Two weeks before your due date, I started having contractions and went to my checkup around 2:00pm.  The Dr. told me to go home and get my bag.

Grandma Conklin and I walked around the neighborhood to make sure the labor continued.  It was fall and I remember the huge colorful leaves on the ground.  I picked one up and pressed it in a book.  I kept it to give to you someday.

I drove myself to the hospital and was admitted right away.  I called Daddy to let him know.  By the time he got there I felt like you were about to slip right out.  The nurse checked me and told me not to push.  The Dr. wasn't there yet, so I needed to keep you inside until she arrived. 
The Dr. broke my water.  It was too late for an epidural. 
You and I were doing labor the painful, old fashioned way.

Just a few seconds later you entered the world, with a full head of caramel colored hair.
You were the prettiest little girl I'd ever laid eyes on.

And you only got prettier as you grew:

Your dad was so excited to have a little girl.  He was smitten from the start.  And don't tell the boys, but you're his favorite:

I have loved watching you change and grow.  The quiet moments we share together laying in your bed are never long enough.  You are artistic, eclectic, and curious.  Every day you remind me of Aunt Jennifer. 
You are helpful and mothering to your brothers.  They sure love you.

You've taught me many things. 
I have learned to cherish the moments when you snuggle up to me on the couch, lay your little head on my shoulder, and look up at me with those crystal blue eyes.
I've realized that some things in life are worth the hard work. 
And that no matter what, you love me....even in my imperfect moments.

I hope you will continue to come out of your shell, to let the world see all you have to offer.  That you will keep your strong will and channel your desires into all good things.  And that you'll find happiness in every single thing you do.
I love you so much.
Happy happy birthday to my big 4 year old!

xo,
mommy